Who says I should?
When a client says, “I should…”
I find myself wondering, “Whose voice is that?”
We’re not born with any sense of “should” - those expectations get absorbed from the people and culture around us. Parents, friends, society - each of these influences shape the rules and expectations we carry. Some of these “shoulds” protect us: “I should not walk home alone at night” is a sensible boundary, and “I should avoid swimming with hungry sharks” is undeniably wise!
Many “shoulds” even help smooth our way in society, making it easier to connect and maintain relationships. But it’s worth questioning their role. Take, for instance, “I should forgive my partner.” Are you feeling an obligation, or is it a genuine desire?
Is it aligned with a heartfelt choice rather than a sense of duty, or what others may think?
Emotional conflict arises when our “shoulds” don’t align with our authentic selves.
Society tells us how we should behave, look, and achieve, layering us with expectations until we lose sight of what we truly want and need. Over time, we become so focused on managing a multitude of “shoulds” that we become misaligned with our authentic selves.
When we start questioning these “shoulds,” we realize that many of them don’t even belong to us; they’re simply habits we can release.
Here’s a list of common "shoulds" many people internalize from societal and parental expectations:
🌿"I should have a stable, high-paying job."
Success is often measured by career status and financial stability, pressuring people into paths they may not find fulfilling.
🌿"I should get married and start a family."
The traditional family model is a standard many feel obligated to follow, even if it doesn’t resonate with their personal desires.
🌿"I should look a certain way to be attractive."
Society often pushes narrow beauty standards, leading to pressure around appearance, weight, and presentation.
🌿"I should own a house by a certain age."
Homeownership is a common benchmark for adulthood, creating expectations around financial milestones.
🌿"I should always put others’ needs before my own."
Many are raised to believe that selflessness is virtuous, even at the cost of their own well-being.
🌿"I should avoid conflict and keep the peace."
A focus on harmony sometimes discourages people from speaking up or setting boundaries.
🌿"I should stay busy and productive."
The notion that productivity equals worth often creates pressure to avoid rest or leisure.
🌿"I should only pursue practical, ‘realistic’ goals."
Creative or unconventional aspirations are sometimes dismissed as impractical, pushing people towards safer, more traditional paths.
🌿"I should not show vulnerability or weakness."
Society often promotes stoicism, especially for men, creating a stigma around expressing emotions.
🌿"I should have my life figured out by a certain age."
Many of us feel pressure to reach specific milestones by particular ages, leading to feelings of inadequacy if they haven’t "arrived" by then.
Each of these “shoulds” may align well for some people but feel limiting or mismatched for others. Questioning these expectations can be a powerful way to understand what truly matters to us as individuals.
So, how can we start shedding “shoulds”?
By creating a space for honest reflection, we can identify one “should” that isn’t serving us and ask ourselves:
🌿 How does it make me feel?
🌿 How does it fit with my life and the life I want?
🌿 Where did it come from, and whose voice does it represent?
🌿 Does it truly belong with me?
🌿 What happens if I return it to where it came from?
We can visualize letting go of the emotional weight of that “should,” as if gently passing it back to the source. Embrace the feeling of a lighter, more authentic self without it. Consider the ways releasing it may positively impact our future.
By examining our “shoulds,” we can realign with what genuinely matters to us. In doing so, we move closer to a life lived authentically—one where we find fulfilment in pursuing what we truly value.